你不是真正的快樂

五月天 - 你不是真正的快樂

人 群中 哭著 你只想變成透明的顏色
你再也不會夢 或痛 或心動了
你已經決定了 你已經決定了

你 靜靜 忍著 緊緊把昨天在拳心握著
而回憶越是甜 就是 越傷人了
越是在 手心留下 密密麻麻 深深淺淺 的刀割

你不是真正的快樂 你的笑只是你穿的保護色
你決定不恨了 也決定不愛了
把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

這 世界 笑了 於是妳合群的一起笑了
當生存是規則 不是 你的選擇
於是妳 含著眼淚 飄飄盪盪 跌跌撞撞 的走著

你不是真正的快樂 你的笑只是你穿的保護色
你決定不恨了 也決定不愛了
把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

你不是真正的快樂 你的傷從不肯完全的癒合
我站在你左側 卻像隔著銀河
難道就真的抱著遺憾一直到老了 然後才後悔著

你不是真正的快樂 你的笑只是你穿的保護色
你決定不恨了 也決定不愛了
把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

你不是真正的快樂 你的傷從不肯完全的癒合
我站在你左側 卻像隔著銀河
難道就真的抱著遺憾一直到老了

你值得真正的快樂 你應該脫下你穿的保護色
為什麼失去了 還要被懲罰呢
能不能就讓 悲傷全部 結束在此刻 重新開始活著

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnMt5ehD394
________________________________________________

今天不知怎麼了﹐一直在聽這首歌。當天和sy在kbox時點了這首歌﹐差一點就哭出來了。感覺好感動。

這讓我想起當年一位很好的朋友對我說﹐她覺得雖然我看起來好像每天都很開心﹐但是當一個人的時候很容易露出悲傷的眼神。這是頭一次有人看穿了我的偽裝。

後來陸陸續續有嘗試過放開心懷﹐把真正的感情流露出來﹐或者暗示別人 。但後來我發現﹐其實真正的感情一點也不重要﹐也沒人在乎。重要的只是別人所感受到的。

也就是說﹐不管一個人有多麼的愛另一個人﹐如果那另一個人所感受到的是恨意﹐那跟那個人是恨著那另一個人是一樣的。

所以只要以最對自己有利的方式活下去就好了。只要不露出真感情﹐就算受到傷害也沒有那麼痛。

但一直這樣是很累的。

今年有嘗試再度不隱瞞感情﹐生氣時就表現出生氣的樣子﹐不開心時就不要笑。但還是有人被我無意的偽裝給騙了。
也有嘗試自己努力去抓住自己的夢想。但 ...

我放棄了。

為何一直要改變我自己呢? 害怕時逃走真的是錯的嗎?為什麼一定要勇敢的站起來面對?

只要不努力﹐失敗時就沒有那麼痛。這不是我一直以來都相信的嗎? 為何要改變? 為何現在才要開始努力?

已經太晚了... 這次的傷太重了...

我發現 人 只要一開始戴上面具﹐就很難拿下來了。

不要再為你哭了

愛我的資格

為你傷心多一點 少一點
流下的眼淚都一樣不值得
世界上那麼多人 只有我 一個人
能拯救自己的快樂
不要再為你哭了
by S.H.E

正巧在lot1聽到這首歌﹐好喜歡喔。
但我已無法回到未認識你的我了。
anyway, went there eat with dagugu they all. delifrance bistro is nice!:)

ah! and lot 1 got soo many new food stalls!XD love the mangopomelosago and the milk pudding!~ yumyum!XD

知道了...

一切都完了﹐是時候該放棄了。

我早就該知道了﹐為何還期待著?為什麼不回我?

第三十八天

today, go sch, band meeting...

after that go out eat ichiban with sy. ...

買的第三十八天。不見了。

我與它還有兩個約定。還沒實現。我已經靠那兩個願望很近了。好怕會因此而無法實
現願望。再加上﹐那是我爸今年買給我的生日禮物。

好傷心。為何人心那麼壞。那些東西對我而言是金錢無法彌補的﹐而對那小偷而言
有是什麼呢? 我能肯定那些東西對我的價值遠遠超過對那小偷的。

為何正當我那麼快樂時要推我下地獄呢? 我開始覺得這只不過是序章而已 ...

我與幸福無緣。

爸﹐我對不起你。

兩個人吃飯

band!~

today after band go eat subway with section!!

then came to my house and watch the dvds that we borrowed from the band.

okay lar, not bad. learnt quite alot of things lol

then go eat dinner..

為何兩個人吃飯會比一個人來的寂寞呢?

我發現我們已無話可聊。

situations i hate to be in...

band...after that go eat subway!!!=)

anyway...too bored. so shall list situations i hate to be in...

• go toilet no toilet paper


• toilet very dirty


• no money


• the food wasnt as i expected


• or rather, is when i thought i can eat A, then in de end it turns out to be B. even if B is still tasty, but because i was looking forward to A, i'd feel damn arghhh


• someone breaks their promises


• go restaurant/food stall which i was looking forward to, then end up its closed.


• when i know something bad is gonna happen...


• to be with someone i dont like


• choosing between manga and food


• my markers run out of ink


• cannot find my things


• alone with someone i'm not familiar with


• i've got no com to use


• realised i did something wrong


• didnt do what i ought to do

ya...so far like these hahahahahah

痛苦

失落

悲傷

無奈

後悔

痛苦

絕望

憎恨

空虛

妖怪のお医者さん

was reading monster doctor, 《妖怪のお医者さん》, online..

its really nice..

seriously..

it'd be a great hit soon

love the male lead, kuro!

he rocksXD my ideal guy hahaha...

love yayoi too! she's so cute=D

i'm a yayoiXkuro fan now! hehe

anyway...i think its such a bad time to be reading monster doc now....

我已經忘掉沒有朋友那段時期的心情了。
那時候 ... 我是怎麼生活的﹐為什麼可以一個人過日子?
我大概已經 ... 無法回到一個人的生活了。
我肯定變得比以前軟弱, 變得比以前 ... 更堅強。
我有朋友了!

這是當男主角﹐黑郎﹐ 在第28集的最後機頁﹐去幫養母掃墓時的想法。他發現到自己不再是孤單的﹐應為他交到了朋友(他們是黑郎最先交到的幾位人類朋友)

這大概也算是我這幾個月來的心聲吧。

我能夠說 我已經很久沒有在人群之中了。大概是自從學長他們開始準備 'O' 水準吧﹐就沒什麼以群活動了。班上聚會什麼的﹐我從來不去。因為就算去了也無法融洽。

說白了﹐我只是一個交際能力差﹐人緣不好的人罷了。

就算到了高中﹐因為是和一群同中學的人在一起﹐也無法重新生活。就算我們幾個常常在一起﹐也只不過能算是在學校里的互相陪伴吧。

換了班之後﹐感覺上大家以前都認識。

我 ... 最不擅長這種情況了。

與中三時一樣的狀況。

如果一開始大家都不認識對方﹐要與他人講話是很容易的一件事。

但只要大家有認識的人﹐我就很難能介入了。

好不容易﹐因一次班級聚會﹐與大家的感情開始有好轉。

不知不覺﹐愛上了這個班﹐愛上了大家﹐也與大家相處得很好。雖然偶而會有一些摩擦﹐但這段時期還是開心快樂的。

就如黑郎所說的﹐我已忘掉沒有朋友那段時期的心情了﹐也不知當時我是怎麼一個人過日子的。我大概已經 ... 無法回到一個人的生活了。因此﹐我變得更軟弱﹐害怕失去。但同時我也變得更堅強﹐因為我身邊有人。

不過 ... 天下沒有不散的宴會, 也沒有一輩子的朋友。美好的夢總會有結束的一天。

現在﹐問題在於夢何時會結束﹐而決定權已不再我手上。我的夢會在這個假期結束﹐或會延長到明年﹐全靠她一時的決定了。

我現在正出於一個快要回到一個人的時期。我不知現在心裡的感覺是什麼﹐只是知道覺得好空虛﹐是個討嫌的感覺。我要如何再次回到一個人的生活呢?

她不告訴我是否成功﹐也不讓我絕望。好想結束一切﹐不管是好是坏﹐至少能痛快一些。好過這種不三不四得感覺﹐讓我無法嚎啕大哭。

其實我也已經知道結果了﹐只是因為還未完全被拒絕﹐所以還抱著一絲希望。明知道已經是不可能得﹐卻還是那麼妄想。真是個大白痴。

其實這整件事﹐都是因為捨不得08s25。我對不起大家。抱歉。

《妖怪醫生》里的秀人說:

朋友那種東西﹐只要配合對方的話題適時點頭肯定﹐就交得到啦!

這種說法好悲傷喔!..
卻在某種程度來說也算是真的。

在《xxxholic》與《翼》的侑子和《魔法使小櫻》的觀月曾經說過:

這世上沒有偶然﹐有的只是必然。

我想如果夢真的在這個時候結束﹐也是必然的吧。

我們緣份已盡 ... ...

void

go sch..appeal. seems highly unlikely...

everyone seems to be smiling and laughing. yet everyone seems so sad.

when u all said good luck to me in the office..i felt like crying..am i abandoning u guys? sorry

but in the end...i knew it didnt go well........

maybe i should give up already...doubt the school will ever call me...

i'm sorry mum...
second time in my life i felt like she's my mum...
didnt felt like going to band at all..just felt like going into a deep slumber..

but i know i cant do this...i know there will be lots of others who feel this way too...and some of them will still turn up...

couldnt concentrate at all. almost fell asleep when tidying the scores..

too hungry. had my only popiah only at 4+

still couldnt concentrate...duno what i'm doing..

went to find mum after cca...

had steamboat. really nice. but couldnt really enjoy..

guess everyone gave up le...

dont even know what i'm feeling now.

is it void?

i cant stand these types of people...

okay whole day nothing to do. sleep lor. then watch hitman reborn

duno why feel very down.

i shall list the type of people i cannot stand. anything that is not i cannot stand de is prolly i okay with de hahahahaha

• hypocrite
• act stupid
• or really is stupid (its not about studies btw)
• attention seeker
• cannot read atmosphere
• sucks at lying but still want to lie
• irritating
• noisy(my standard of noisy is different from most people)
• backstabbers who are too obvious (means if u want to backstab, do it better and dont make the person u backstab realise that u backstabbed him)
• indecisive
• too reliant
• naive
• make excuses for their actions
• think they always do more than others or others are always in debt of them
• bossy
• arrogant
• act pro but not pro
• act kelian or wants pity
• qian bian
• whiney
• acts noble or want others to think they are very good.

think that's about it haha. whoa like alot eh. i am the type that gets angry very easily. but i'm not the type that will dislike someone easily. i think the person needs to have about more than 5 of these traits for me to dislike him/her bah. hahaha and i'm 1 of them hohohohoo

saddddddd:[ *warning: contains emoism*

today is such a sad day.
warning: contains emoism. do not read if dont like. lol

think econs will not get very good marks. found lotsa mistakes le:(

lol. got the peer and self assessment to do.

oh! told jn about what gary said haha!!! he was soo fed up by the process since others kept talking to me. and i had to help others do their peer assessments(lol i so popular:P)
anyway he happy until he can "float" home le haha. oh! even jt say his sis thinks jn is de most good looking one in the class lol. i laugh until like siao.

haish anyway so easy to do others de. so difficult to do self de.

do i even have good skills and personal attributes??? lol.

but one thing i agree with mh is one attribute i need to improve on is my temper. think i flare up too easily. really. i get soo darn angry so easily. the worst thing is. recently, i dont even bother to hide it anymore.

haish....look at the one that jn did for me. sounds abit like someone else. i'm really not as good or nice or whatever i seem to be.

crapped alot today. some true, some untrue. some i really mean it, some i really dont. and some hidden inside.

yesterday i've thought of how unstable my world is. a slight change is enough to crumple my world.

today...i realised...no matterwhat happened, the world will still spin.

i'm immune to emotional pain already. or rather, faking to be immune is my only way of keeping my world together.

there had been times like this before. the only way to not feel the pain..is to shut myself out of all emotions, even joy and anger. store all my emotions inside my heart. then let it go all at once after the door of my room is closed.

Luckily, i've still not reach that stage now:) but i've got a feeling..that if i take a wrong step........i'd got back to those days...

lol. today jn told me that i've got a letter in the file i gave him. haha, was the angel mortal letter thing in sec 4. not bad sia. got the integrity(is this the word?) to not read and tell me:) lol shawn even thought it was a letter i left inside the file for him hahahahaha.
anyway, they r still so kpo want to read. the letter ended with a quiz: an ant fell of a 101 storey building. why does it die before it landed??
pls tell me if u know the ans k?

today jamie and aaron gave me my bday pres. its the exact same thing as what i bought for yq!!!! the sushi set and a hitsugaya metal neckless!!! lol great minds think alike! hahahahha

we talked about the art of shitting today. interesting:)

got home. my cute lil bro had an injection and a haircut!XD lol. now, he cries at the sight of the mirror lol. i guess he really dont like his new hairstyle eh?


look..i cant even get a clear pic of him since he was moving around so vigorously!

anyway..got home..got so pissed. so darn hungry, no dinner coz my mum ask my maid not to cook. why? coz she wants to go airport eat.=_=.
anyway..didnt really expect that to happen. but kind of prepared myself for it le. thought i would cry. but surprisingly i didnt even felt like it. guess i've been hurt more than enough.